are you healthy, mentally?

In the name of Allah.

I’m doing one of the most personal assignments I’ve ever done in my life. It’s not easy, but it’s good to know what’s important in a kid’s life. It’s good to know things that a kid doesn’t know, like I did when I was little. Experience teaches more than what a book can tell.

I was eight when my father passed away.

I could remember vividly the day ayah passed away. We were in one of the resorts in Pulau Pangkor. Ayah had some police conventions over there. It was the second time we went there.

I remember how the jenazah was brought to one of the mosques in the island, and how I had my last kiss on ayah’s forehead. I remember how ayah’s body was covered with this yellow powder I don’t know what it’s called. I remember how everyone was crying as though it was the end of the world…But what does a kid like me know?..I couldn’t remember whether I cried or not, but I definitely know what being dead mean. It means living this worldly life and heading to another one, which Muslims call Barzakh. But that was definitely it. Nothing more. I did not have anything over that point. That was my period.

Oh yes, because ayah passed away in Pangkor Island, the jenazah had to be brought back to the mainland. ayah was buried in Kuala Kangsar, his kampung, where he had always wanted to settle down. I, sometimes can still remember how he would always say to me, “Kalau ayah meninggal, ayah nak kubur tepi pah…” Pah is my great granma, whom I did not have the chance to meet at all, because Pah passed away before I was born and Pah was the one who raised my ayah after his mom passed away when he was little.

Ayah was brought back to the mainland with a police boat, because ayah himself, was someone in the police force. I remember how the boat was unstable and I was REALLy worried that ayah would slip into the sea(silly as I was, can a boat be stable on water? come on girl!). And as we reached the mainland, angah and abang was already at the shore. FYI, angah was having her PMR back then and abang was already in college when ayah passed away. That’s why we met them at the shore in Lumut.

Then, being the youngest of my siblings, I accompanied my mom in the hearse and that experience, I don’t remember much about it. All I remember was, my mom whispering to me, “Ayah is at the back.”.

My aunt’s house was in front of the main road heading to KK town. It’s directly opposite to KK Technique School. It was shocking to see how my aunt’s house in Kuala Kangsar was flooded with human. As the van approached the the road heading to my aunt’s house, I thought there were some kind of parade the town was having. The only kind of traffic that is similar this is when KL is holding the Merdeka parade. Mom said, because ayah was such an influence in the police force, and ayah had travelled to many places that he had such many friends. Such many wonderful acquaintance who always had time for him. Even after he had left.

I never really thought I could be this transparent. I didn’t even know there is a part of me that can tell this story openly.

A kid I was, I never really know how to deal with death. Yes I understand the fact that death is this and that, but to deal with loss of loved ones, I don’t know how. I’ve heard that people say that everyone deals with grief and loss differently, but what harm would it cause if this topic is being explored in the classroom?

There was no such thing as mental health when I went to primary school. Nothing. Pendidikan Jasmani &Rohani was always about physical education. And being an athlete myself in primary and secondary school, is it fair to say that I’m healthy when an aspect of my mental health was not being dealt with?

I’m confident that I am not the only 8 year-old whose father died when I have yet to understand the meaning of death.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: