Posts Tagged ‘ grief cloud ’

are you healthy, mentally?

In the name of Allah.

I’m doing one of the most personal assignments I’ve ever done in my life. It’s not easy, but it’s good to know what’s important in a kid’s life. It’s good to know things that a kid doesn’t know, like I did when I was little. Experience teaches more than what a book can tell.

I was eight when my father passed away.

I could remember vividly the day ayah passed away. We were in one of the resorts in Pulau Pangkor. Ayah had some police conventions over there. It was the second time we went there.

I remember how the jenazah was brought to one of the mosques in the island, and how I had my last kiss on ayah’s forehead. I remember how ayah’s body was covered with this yellow powder I don’t know what it’s called. I remember how everyone was crying as though it was the end of the world…But what does a kid like me know?..I couldn’t remember whether I cried or not, but I definitely know what being dead mean. It means living this worldly life and heading to another one, which Muslims call Barzakh. But that was definitely it. Nothing more. I did not have anything over that point. That was my period.

Oh yes, because ayah passed away in Pangkor Island, the jenazah had to be brought back to the mainland. ayah was buried in Kuala Kangsar, his kampung, where he had always wanted to settle down. I, sometimes can still remember how he would always say to me, “Kalau ayah meninggal, ayah nak kubur tepi pah…” Pah is my great granma, whom I did not have the chance to meet at all, because Pah passed away before I was born and Pah was the one who raised my ayah after his mom passed away when he was little.

Ayah was brought back to the mainland with a police boat, because ayah himself, was someone in the police force. I remember how the boat was unstable and I was REALLy worried that ayah would slip into the sea(silly as I was, can a boat be stable on water? come on girl!). And as we reached the mainland, angah and abang was already at the shore. FYI, angah was having her PMR back then and abang was already in college when ayah passed away. That’s why we met them at the shore in Lumut.

Then, being the youngest of my siblings, I accompanied my mom in the hearse and that experience, I don’t remember much about it. All I remember was, my mom whispering to me, “Ayah is at the back.”.

My aunt’s house was in front of the main road heading to KK town. It’s directly opposite to KK Technique School. It was shocking to see how my aunt’s house in Kuala Kangsar was flooded with human. As the van approached the the road heading to my aunt’s house, I thought there were some kind of parade the town was having. The only kind of traffic that is similar this is when KL is holding the Merdeka parade. Mom said, because ayah was such an influence in the police force, and ayah had travelled to many places that he had such many friends. Such many wonderful acquaintance who always had time for him. Even after he had left.

I never really thought I could be this transparent. I didn’t even know there is a part of me that can tell this story openly.

A kid I was, I never really know how to deal with death. Yes I understand the fact that death is this and that, but to deal with loss of loved ones, I don’t know how. I’ve heard that people say that everyone deals with grief and loss differently, but what harm would it cause if this topic is being explored in the classroom?

There was no such thing as mental health when I went to primary school. Nothing. Pendidikan Jasmani &Rohani was always about physical education. And being an athlete myself in primary and secondary school, is it fair to say that I’m healthy when an aspect of my mental health was not being dealt with?

I’m confident that I am not the only 8 year-old whose father died when I have yet to understand the meaning of death.


Sesal dahulu pendapatan…

In the name of Allah.

One of the cons of studying overseas is the fact that you simply get the news of what’s happening in ‘kampung halaman’ quite late. Considering this as the major cons, I cannot but try to accept this as part of life.

I was just informed that both my mum and my sister have been involved in two separate accidents. The first one was in Kosas, in which my mom was involved and the second one, was in Putrajaya just 2 days ago.

Not that anyone was hurt, but only knowing it after a few days, felt like a slap to the face. I have to admit that I am completely pissed with the drivers who hit my mom’s and sis’s cars, and at the same time, angry with myself. For not being able to be with them when it happened. Or even being with them after the accidents happened.

It really is quite frustrating that I wasn’t able to do anything to help my family. It really is.

home is where my family is. nak balik sekarang jugak!

Now that I think about it, this is the consequences that I have to face, having taken the decision to study overseas. Ya Allah, grant me the power to stay strong.

Rasa menyesal sangat sebab tak telefon rumah a few days earlier. Takpelah, let this be a lesson for me. Semoga aku tak lupa apa yang aku belajar harini.

keep holding on.

In the name of Allah.

In freaking 2 days, I will be heading back to Dunedin. It feels hellish, but I know good things are yet to come.

Today, out of the total 2 months holiday, is the worst I should say. Haih.

If and only if I can only turn back time. If and only if, things are easier. If and only if, we are the only two people in the world and we make our own decisions.

To tell you people the truth, I am surprised to see myself turning into this very unsettled person. Macam mana tah jadi macam nih.

Ya Allah, give me strength to keep holding on.


In the name of Allah.

Have you ever had this feeling of frustration and all you wish for is to be able to run away to the furtherest place one could reach you?

distant by George Harrison @deviantART

It’s obviously none of my business, but somehow, I cannot stop myself from getting myself in trouble. Which at the end of the day, will cause me even greater pain.

Sedar-sedar lah kawan. People don’t always turn out to be the way we want them to.

378b, Leith Street.

In the name of Allah.

Since today is my last day here in Dunedin, I would like to dedicate this post for my flat. 378B, Leith Street.

The first day I stepped into this flat, it was on 12 of February 2010. It was around 9+ p.m and it was cold. Uniquely it was summer, but the weather was …  So, the very first lesson is, New Zealand is unlike any other country. Dunedin especially. The weather’s so unpredictable that you could have 4 seasons in a day.

Anyways, I was greeted by 3 of my best friends who had arrived before me (we came in several batches). They helped me with my super big luggage to my room, where all of us then, realized was the biggest of the five. Lucky me!

As soon as I started to unpack my stuff, I got my laptop out and immediately connect with the net. Update la, ape lagi!

That night, I wasn’t able to sleep. Culprit identified: time diff.

Anyways, that night, the five of us (riby, dib, yanie, nas + moi), thought of how lucky we were to be given the opportunity to be here. to study here. No longer were the phrase, ” Kau rasa kita fly tak?” was heard.


My flatmates and I did soo many memorable things inside and outside this flat. We made karipap until 2 in the morning in this house and it also became the headquarters for our West Coast trip back in June.

I have to say that I will miss the noise of the boys playing ball in the evening.

I will miss the concerns and care from everyone around, when our kitchen window was broken by some drunk guy.

I will going to Rhenu’s place, Azman’s place, playing Cranium.


This flat has witnessed many things. The laughter, the joy and all the good things. The tears, the sorrow, and all the ugly things.

This year has been a good one. I’ve learnt a lot, met many interesting people, and get to do many stuff.

Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah for such grace.


Bismillahirrahman nirrahim.

My friends and I chitchatted on the stuff that we used to do in the past. Not the good things, for sure. And somehow, it has left me feeling uncomfortable. We had good laughs about it, but I don’t feel quite right laughing about it. Hummph.

Now that I’ve given a thought about it, I recognize what I actually felt when I dwell into my past. I have to say that I became very embarrassed when I look back to all the things I’ve done. Malu dengan diri sendiri, malu dengan Tuhan. Apatah lagi when these kinds of things are a direct contrast of what you believe now.

But those are my past, and without them, I would not be the person I am today. Kan?

Now that I think I am an adult, I believe in repentance. That everyone deserves a second chance to clean up the mess that they’ve caused. No doubt that everyone has their own stand, and some may not agree wit what I’ve just said. That people are not to be trusted, when they messed up. I’m not judging, sebab memang manusia nih berbeza pegangan, berbeza pandangan.

Anyhow, I am very grateful, that despite my past, Allah has given me the opportunity for taubat, Alhamdullilah.

I was just browsing when I came across a very interesting article. It’s on ‘Promosi Dosa & Buka Aib Sendiri’. The thing that hit me the most is one of RasulAllah pbuh’s hadith.

كل أمتي معافى إلا المجاهرين، وإن من المجاهرة أن يعمل الرجل بالليل عملا، ثم يصبح وقد ستره الله عليه، فيقول: يا فلان عملت البارحة كذا وكذا، وقد بات يستره ربه، ويصبح يكشف ستر الله عليه

Setiap umatku (boleh) diampunkan kecuali mereka yang mendedahkan (dosanya),ada di kalangan yang mendedahakn ini , melakukan suatu dosa di waktu malam, berpagi-pagi sedang Allah menutup keaiban dosa itu, namun tiba-tiba dia mendedahkan seraya berkata :” Wahai fulan, semalam aku lakukan itu dan ini” maka terhapuslah tutupan Tuhannya dan jadilah ia membuka (rahmat) Allah yang(sebelum ini) menutup keaibannya.( Riwayat Al-Bukhari dan Muslim)

Astaghfirullahal ‘azim. Berdose rupenye ape yang aku buat dulu. 😐

Anyhow,the past is just a history, in which with it, we shape our future. And our history starts now, so why are we wasting time dwelling into our past? You have the power to make your future different.

Jom tutup aib sendiri!


AMARAN: post ini agak personal lagi karat. sila tinggalkan page, jika kurang selesa.

tatkala air mata berlinang,
aku jauh memikirkan dosa semalam yang masih bersisa.
entah bila, entah dimana, entah bagaimana.
diri sanggup melakukan sedemikian rupa.
maafkan diriku, bonda.

termenung sendiri;
masa bersama dibiarkan berlalu bagaikan air di tepian sungai.
haih. keluhan penuh sesalan.
maafkan diriku, bonda.

Anak kecik ditatang bagaikan minyak yang penuh.
Segala lompang, ditutupi sebaiknya agar anak kecik itu,
anak kecik itu membesar dengan sempurna.

bukan sekali dua, bukan satu dua kali
bonda berikan yang terbaik.
hampir setiap detik.
aku saja yang kurang mengerti. kurang menghargai.
maafkan diriku, bonda.

hati sarat dengan air.
hati bagaikan di tekan-tekan.
hati menjadi perlahan.

hasrat hati ingin selalu dekat di sisi,
tapi apakan daya;
you don’t always get what you want.
you have to just, deal with it!

Come on wani!